What's in my bag video

Watching this post-call in my bed. I'm just glad I'm not oncall anymore. Sigh..

My Secret Hotel

Expectations vs Reality

Oh they're worlds apart from one another..I came home to settle down, live quietly in the suburbs and I guess be the diva that owns a boutique (that was always in my subconcious somehow hehe).

And what do I get? The realization that I have to work harder than I'd ever been to get to my dream.

Actually, I wasn't sure of what I really want until very recently. The situation that I was thrown into made me into making that decision.

I don't need to be the tough, over achieving doctor that I thought I wanted to be. Instead I've made up my mind to settle into a very lenient job with time to spend with my loved ones. I'd say if I didn't come back with the MRCP I would've been the chronic medical officer. Haha..and to think that I once thought that it will never be me, the doctor that work an 8 to 5 job in a random Klinik Kesihatan. Sure enough, the work is by no means easy (what kind of job is?) but it would've been the leniest in the medical field.

But I do have MRCP, and to throw it away would've been very stupid in my part.

So what do I do now? The answer is quite obvious. I have no choice. I have to struggle, hard to be a Specialist.

Sometimes I really do doubt myself. The climate is very different, and by different I mean I hated it..too much.

Fitting in was never easy. It always brings me back the memory of starting school and trying to find new friends.

What's worse is there is no safety net. You really are on your own here. The risk of being put down whenever you made a mistake can never be enticing to anybody right?

Sure I can always blame my training. Maybe I'm just inexperienced, but at the end of the day it's just an excuse. I can't always be inexperienced..I have to find a way to make myself par to the others at work.

I wish I can be focused enough to do this. Studying and improving was much easier when you're single, no doubt..or I suppose better when you have 'proper' support system. Husband that is always away, a toddler that needs my attention..and now my pregnancy effects..all added up to my list.
I am in no way complaining. I'm blessed to be honest. I love these people and I will no doubt love the soon to come newborn to death. It's just finding time to oneself is hard sometimes. I always feel guilty whenever I needed time off ( which I did take quite a lot in Dublin..whenever it gets too much, there was this small cafe that serve awesome scones and tea nearby-it never fails to calm me down)

You can't always dwell in the past people say...so that advise I am taking. I just have to find a way to make this work somehow.

Pray for me.

Thought of the day

Try studying with a screaming, temper tantrum-ing, attention seeking kid in the background..and that is after an 8 to 5 job, cooking, grocery shopping, heartburn, leg cramps and going to the loo every 5 minutes. I also have expectations to be met, datelines and not to mention my head under constant scrutiny by people. And you think you had a rough day, tough guy..

Ok. I really should stop whining
#reallynotmadeformultitasking