Paradise

I had a rough time at work today.

Horrible.

I really don't want to talk about it.

So I came home, and found that things are not much better here.

I messed up.

I'm being horrible in every-thing. I've had days like this before, countless time. But I thought I've gotten better in managing time.

I was wrong.

I have been neglecting my family and..my self. Imagine going to the shop to buy Kotex (it's that time of the month go figure), and finally came out with nothing but a bottle of coke! My mind is elsewhere I'm telling you. I don't know where it's gone to most of the time, but it certainly is not here.

Now I'm watching my baby sleeps, and for the first time today I am actually focusing on her. There are so many things I wanted to do for her, but haven't got round to..or had simply forgotten. Just because I'm always pre-occupied with something more important.

I haven't talked to my mother in 2 weeks (or more). She's just a phone call away, and yet I didn't even get to dial her number.

What in the world could be more important than your family??

I wanted to serve people, but I'm wondering whether by doing so I am actually being selfish. Selfish enough to put my first priority to second place.

I've actually fallen asleep in the middle writing this post. I was lucky enough to not have dropped the laptop on the floor. Yes I am that tired.

Last night I was bedridden with migraine attack (I rarely get them!), and was saved by Ponstan..off to work I go in the early hours of this morning. I'd fallen asleep the night before without saying good night to my babies, I din't get a chance to see whether kakak had done her homework (actually I can't remember the last time I got the chance to do this) and this morning while changing adik, I noted she had developed a really bad nappy rash because I didn't change her nappy overnight.

Facepalm.

Today I learnt that my sister had a migraine attack too and she had gotten MC.

MC.

It didn't even cross my mind. Not even once.

My hand phone is on charge. I carry it everywhere..even to the toilet. I have had more body contact with my phone than with my 6 month old. I have been talking to it more than to my kakak, or my husband.

I'm always on standby, even on days that I'm not oncall. Just in case people couldn't get through the one who's oncall, so here's me, always ready to serve.

I don't even like my job. In fact, I hated it.

So why so religiously doing it?

Yesterday the band Yellow performed their hit song Paradise on air. I was singing to it on my way to work.

Work is not my Paradise.

I need a vacation. Preferably somewhere without network coverage.

3 years anniversary of D-day!!

Sometimes regret comes knocking at my door, but then I threw it out through the window.

I've managed to calm myself from constantly chasing something..job position, wealth, etc. Sometimes when I look at pictures in Facebook of fellow friends that took a different path, that pang of regret is still there ( a tiny bit hehe) but I realised that we can't be excellent in everything. I'm tired of chasing, i want to settle down and enjoy my time with family.

Look up, then you will always be thinking that you're missing something. Look down, and you will see the people that are less fortunate than you, and thus will appreciate your life more.

This is enough for me. Alhamdulillah

My dream house

Going through pictures of designs for my dream house. .

I have saved these pictures in my laptop since we bought this apartment. Sayang pulak nak rent out after looking at all these. I haven't got round to furnish it yet because we have moving to different places so many times last year. A few extra bucks would've transform it to any of the above. Ah sayangnyer!

Trying times

Since coming home to Malaysia, I didn't manage to save at all from my monthly salary. True story. 

In fact, I've never felt this 'poor' in my entire life-financially I mean. Ok. Of course I am thankful that we are living in a peaceful country, eating good food and having a roof over our heads (syukurlah Malaysia masih aman).

However, the cost of living in the city nowadays is beyond ridiculous. I don't know how people manage because I find it extremely hard to do so. Our loans are increasing and there's always a balance in my credit cards account (and they are hefty amounts). I mean, that's my way of surviving, making more debts every months. 

In the end, I'm left with zero saving, overdue credit card payment..and a headache.

So, yesterday for the first time I've decided to go through our monthly expenses and find out where we went wrong.

Expenses (pre-GST if I may add):

1. house loan                                                           rm2000

2. house maintanence                                              rm220

3. maid                                                                    rm600

4. bills (astro, eletricity, mobile, internet,etc)        rm650

5. groceries                                                             rm1000

6. Mia's school                                                       rm300

7. petrol                                                                  rm500

8. tol                                                                       rm200

9. car loan (myvi)                                                  rm500

10. house rent in Bentong                                     rm700

11. parking                                                            rm170

12. water filter                                                      rm110

13. personal insurance                                          rm530

Total expenses: rm7580!

That does not include monthly incentives to my parents (sometimes I fail this because I ran out early. OMG I feel so guilty), daily lunch expenses and of course eating-out. 

Sometimes, things are not always smooth sailing..unexpected expenses will pops out- broken gadgets/appliances/car that needed fixing, car insurance/tax, etc.

So what's left for shopping and savings? Not much I'm telling you.

I'm looking to cut down as many expenses as possible, but actually there's not much that can go. Ok, maybe we can live off astro, cut down a bit on groceries.. but that is it. Unless we give up the house for rent (that's about r1800 something), we will continue to be in a deep bottomless pit. I threw out the idea to dear husband last night (renting out the apartment), and I know he's a bit reluctant to do so. This means that he will have to commute daily to work (nearly one and a half hour's drive per trip) and we will no longer have our sanctuary in KL. This apartment is our dream house, our happy place...(not to mention we have spent around 20k on renovations and appliances last year for it)

Of course, we may not want too, but that's our only option at the moment. 

Urghh..I woke up feeling low this morning. I'm worried about the future...

Oh yeah, the laptop broke down this morning too, just to add to our misery..

Wishlist for 2015 (the one that I shouldn't have)

For 2015, I've decided to make it short since this is the year that I'm determined to save (so was last year and the year before and the one before that. Sigh)

2015 is also the year I planned to send both of my parents off to Umrah, Insyaallah. So, in actual fact I shouldn't be having this list at all. But since I already got my bag of the year (or at least I hope so), maybe we can squeeze in a couple of items before 2016 (2016 is my year of being more stable financially I hope)

2 key items I'm wanting this year..

1. Hermes Clic Clac

2. Salvatore Ferragamo shoes

Here's hoping..

SAHM

I never thought I would seriously consider this option one day. I suppose life is never what you expected it to be. 2 months into being a mother of two, I realised that I may not have it covered as I thought.

We recently hire a maid from Indonesia and mistakenly thought that it would solve our problems. Well in actual fact, it brings in a lot of other problems.

She's constantly on the phone, talking to her 'child' as she claimed.

Today I took some time on the net, sorting out bills and searching for house to rent for our upcoming move to Bentong. When I got out of the room, I happen to find my eldest crying by herself in the hall. Our maid had left her outside whilst she and the baby was in her room and she was talking on the phone!

Not only that, my daughter claimed that the maid had hit her! Now my 5 year-old is one with many tricks since the new arrival of her sister, but I can't imagine her making up stories such as this. So I confronted her, and she of course strongly denied doing so. There was no marks or bruises, so I have to let the matter rest (for now).

Deep inside, I was panicking. This is not working! What in the world should I do?

Of course, I can install CCTV all over the house, but will it be enough?

What's more with the husband working away from Bentong, it would be impossible to commute daily. Both of us will be extremely busy once I start working, so who will be looking after the children?

All of my plans are shattered, broken.

Career vs the safety and wellbeing of my children..it was so obvious what's the right thing to do- QUIT!

...

Conteng muka

Gloves on 24/7 after this dik..


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