What's in my bag video

Watching this post-call in my bed. I'm just glad I'm not oncall anymore. Sigh..

My Secret Hotel

Expectations vs Reality

Oh they're worlds apart from one another..I came home to settle down, live quietly in the suburbs and I guess be the diva that owns a boutique (that was always in my subconcious somehow hehe).

And what do I get? The realization that I have to work harder than I'd ever been to get to my dream.

Actually, I wasn't sure of what I really want until very recently. The situation that I was thrown into made me into making that decision.

I don't need to be the tough, over achieving doctor that I thought I wanted to be. Instead I've made up my mind to settle into a very lenient job with time to spend with my loved ones. I'd say if I didn't come back with the MRCP I would've been the chronic medical officer. Haha..and to think that I once thought that it will never be me, the doctor that work an 8 to 5 job in a random Klinik Kesihatan. Sure enough, the work is by no means easy (what kind of job is?) but it would've been the leniest in the medical field.

But I do have MRCP, and to throw it away would've been very stupid in my part.

So what do I do now? The answer is quite obvious. I have no choice. I have to struggle, hard to be a Specialist.

Sometimes I really do doubt myself. The climate is very different, and by different I mean I hated it..too much.

Fitting in was never easy. It always brings me back the memory of starting school and trying to find new friends.

What's worse is there is no safety net. You really are on your own here. The risk of being put down whenever you made a mistake can never be enticing to anybody right?

Sure I can always blame my training. Maybe I'm just inexperienced, but at the end of the day it's just an excuse. I can't always be inexperienced..I have to find a way to make myself par to the others at work.

I wish I can be focused enough to do this. Studying and improving was much easier when you're single, no doubt..or I suppose better when you have 'proper' support system. Husband that is always away, a toddler that needs my attention..and now my pregnancy effects..all added up to my list.
I am in no way complaining. I'm blessed to be honest. I love these people and I will no doubt love the soon to come newborn to death. It's just finding time to oneself is hard sometimes. I always feel guilty whenever I needed time off ( which I did take quite a lot in Dublin..whenever it gets too much, there was this small cafe that serve awesome scones and tea nearby-it never fails to calm me down)

You can't always dwell in the past people say...so that advise I am taking. I just have to find a way to make this work somehow.

Pray for me.

Thought of the day

Try studying with a screaming, temper tantrum-ing, attention seeking kid in the background..and that is after an 8 to 5 job, cooking, grocery shopping, heartburn, leg cramps and going to the loo every 5 minutes. I also have expectations to be met, datelines and not to mention my head under constant scrutiny by people. And you think you had a rough day, tough guy..

Ok. I really should stop whining
#reallynotmadeformultitasking

Low low low

I've hit the usual LOW again. Regardless of how bored and tired of overcoming this situation again and again, it seems there's no other way out of it.

This reminds me of my teenage days, where I used to lock myself in my room, stuffed my ears with earplugs and just shut down from the world for a while. It's becoming hard to do these days with a toddler following you around the house...but I still do it.

I'm always looking for a way out it seems. That's why I love my get-aways and my korean drama. Oppa and hyung took me away from my troubles for a few hours..and whenever I am in that situation where I don't like, my mind travels to these hyungs and oppas with polished clothes and bright faces.
I am convinced that it's due to the autistic trait in me-socially awkward and always dodging and hiding from confrontations and problems.

I swear when I was driving from work this afternoon I was well..I even felt a bit of a superwoman-here I am, both a single mother and a career woman..doing very well and driving my own car. But as soon as I put down that stethoscope and handbag, I am drained. This suddenly felt so tiring, putting up a 'face' all day, and back to managing a household on my own. Haihh..I really need to pull out a man from a hat somewhere. .

And so, here I am writing this in my room, with my little one's voice in the background..but still feeling sorry for myself and as lonely as ever. I am going to take a nap (or sleep), and hopefully when I wake up the world won't be as gloomy as it is now.

My weekend

Jom tengok drama Korea!
Bosan pulak cuti 2 hari ni. Dah lama rasanya x cuti straight 2 hari yang duduk kat rumah jee.

Nasib baik semalam i stumbled upon this new drama.
Sad thing is, the drama is only out until Ep 10 ( and I finished up to 10 episodes yesterday!)

The story is quite refreshing I think, although of course the lead male is still rich and obnoxious and the female still remains the stupidest and most shameless woman you've ever met (hence the attraction to korean dramas).

It starts as the female lead is being chased by a ghost ( I know right? Horror and romance, apparently they work well together)..and somehow ended up in the hero's car. This girl was previously involved in a car accident, and upon waking up from coma, was able to see and talk to ghosts. A once free spirited and popular girl later turned to someone who shies away from life, lost all her friends (not to mention her job) and of course forever running away at the sight of ghosts.

She later found out that the hero is her secret hideout-as the ghosts dissapear as she touches or hugs him. Determined to get back to her normal life, the girl later worked her way to get close to this man.

The rest I have to say is typical korean drama..they argue, the girl cried, the man later falls for her, the second lead came in, the hero tries to hide his real feelings for her and bla3x..

Any way, I'm a sucker for typical korean dramas. Haha. Every girl wants to be saved sometimes. Being brave and Powerpuff Girl is tiring. I want to be stupid and helpless too wei!! I need hugs and a secret hideout from the ghosts and villains of my life..

Maybe after Ep 16 (the final ep), I will make a move to fix my problems, but for now I just want to hide out in this fairytale (with ghosts in it! Haha)

another entry after a very long silence

It's now been more than a year since we are back in Malaysia. Of course, it wouldn't be possible to fit one year of story into one page. This year had been challenging to say the least, and as of now I'm not quite at where I wanted to be yet. it's dangerous to have goals sometimes, because we would start to have expectations and later will put a lot of pressure of oneself.

 Truth is, life is not a book where you know the ending is at page 486 or so, plus you also cannot flip pages and skip the chapters-(I usually do this when the 'not so important characters appear). Life..you have to walk, breath and endure all.

There will be the odd nook and crannys that will slow you down or even stop you in your track...that is to be expected.
Nevertheless, my journey home was harder than I thought it would be. the reason this blog had been left to dust and spiders was I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. I was depressed, I was lost for some part of it and I felt being let down by the system. It is not over, this fight...but I have learn to take things a little easier and not being too hard on myself.

My knight in shining armour during these troubling times would have to be my husband. Yup, I was too shy to admit it, but I think it was shown to everybody how much he support me.

And still, we fight and argue like couples do. I still nag at him at every oppoturnities, will act like I'm right even when I knew I'm wrong and I force him to bring me 'jalan-jalan' to relieve my stress level.
True. The one you love is the one you hurt the most. Huhu..

Last month, we went to CH again after my continous pressure to my dear man..


















We would go to the same places everytime, don't ask me why. Anyway, doesnt matter because we were there just to get away from Bentong.















Above is the purple chili plant. Kinda dangerous I think, you might mistaken it for vegies instead. Wanted to take it home with me, but husband forbid so I comply. Truth is I was so grateful he took me here, I didn't buy as many stuffs as I would have.






















Later that night, we went for stimboat at Rossa Passadena hotel, just near the pasar malam area. It was so-so, but not too expensive. It's saving grace was the sauce..delish!

















Breakfast was at the hotel.It was ok. Quite a selection of food, but Mia is not a morning person, so mummy gained a few extra kilos that day.

















Then it was Bharat's Tea Plantation time again..I had scones which made me miss Ireland even more. nothing tastes like the original right?

















My little one was also happy, imitating a rabbit in the above pictures.

It was a very short get-away. Also had to mention that our hotel was super nice.. Century Pines Resort. We took the Duplex Suite which fit the King, Queen and little Princess taste very well. Too bad we only spend a night in CH, I had the best quality sleep there..wink wink at the king bed!

I can't stress enough on the importance in taking breaks and get-away times with family. Our troubles might not be cured, but the times spent away from it you will cherish. Instead of transferring my stress to my love ones, I took it up to the hills of CH and threw it away there. Hehehe.


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