03.12. 2014

I'm sorry because my 'iman' tak kuat. Sebab tak kuat tu lah I mengamuk kat my beloved Iman. Padahal I wasn't angry at her. I was angry at the person who put me in this position; tired and acting like an idiot giving all I have to please him.

That's right. A lot of us women are idiots. We keep repeating the same foolishness to please. When it's finally too much, we vented on the people we most loved and care about. Stupidity knows no boundaries I guess.

I finally face the truth of being a woman in Malaysia. Bounded by culture and family rules- my mother comes first and yours later..why? Because syurga I di bawah tapak kaki mak I whereas your syurga di bawah tapak kaki I. In other words, he meant my syurga is di bawah tapak kaki him and his mother. Oh Lord.

I am doing the same work load as a typical male does with the energy of a 9-month old pregnant lady. And I worry the same shit as any male does- money, security and the future. Because I work in the medical field, other male at work look at me with sympathy as I struggle to climb the stairs or even walk a distance, whereas others are plain idiots or just pretending to be one. Why bother when I don't complain? So my conclusion is, I did this to myself. I allow people to degrade and use me so that I can fit in. Or maybe, his love for me is not strong enough to at least acknowledge the sacrifices I did for him-my beauty, my money and my pride. I was fooled by his promises to mark and elevate me as his Queen. I was never a Queen, far from that fairy-tale ending my fate lies (and they promote higher education to produce high achieving citizens..well maybe for men, because we will only ended up in the kitchen cleaning soots and dusts looking ugly. God knows, I've heard that saying too many times)

In fact, in the end my fate may not be much different from Mah who went viral on Facebook recently. She was called smelly, fat and disgusting by her own man who was two-timing her for nearly 7 years. Mark this day I will, for if I ever come close to that ending then I at least knew that it's coming for quite a while..and of course I won't blame any man for it, because we can never blame them as we would be sinners duh.. It is always us at fault, the idiots.