Life and death

When you work in a hospital, you would see deaths almost everyday..

But I have to say, it never was easy and it will not get any easier

I remember in medical school how they taught how you to break bad news. Complete bull**ks.

No matter what words you use, it still hurts and it won't change a single thing.

You have cancer and you will die. Bottomline.

I was crying my eyes out just now watching the last episode of Hani ( which ended ages ago I know)

Which is strange because if I were to do the same in real life, I would be sacked ages ago.

Iremember being brought in to my boss's office one day after a patient of ours died. This was when I was working in Palliative team and we were expecting this man to die for weeks. He has pancreatic cancer which metastases everywhere; gut, lungs, liver, brain..you name it, it practically went to every organ in his body. In other words, for him to survive would be a miracle.

I came in to work that morning to found out he had passed earlier in the morning. The priest had been, he was disconnected from all the tubes and oxygen masks and was ready for the morgue. We went in to his room to say our condolescence to the family and everybody went around his bed except me. I was standing at the far corner of the room without realising I had done so.

My boss called me in to his office just after 5 and we were all ready to leave. Now He was a German and has this very cute accent with a face very much like a santa claus ( very cute ok!).
He started talking about how difficult being a physician is, and sometimes you can get too attached to a patient. and I can't help but cried like a baby in front this man who I know nothing about outside of work. And I had never in my entire life shed a tear in front of a stranger ( kecuali time kecik2 la, time tu nanges macam x hengat bagai). That was my first and also my last time crying over a death of a patient. It's not because I'm a better doctor than I was. I think it's because I recognise when to distance myself away from becoming too emotionally attached.

I don't always succeed. I had an elderly woman who came to clinic once, and she was perfect. Ok, apart from diabetes, hypertension and high cholestrol, she was. But she just had to tell me about living with her daughter in law who runs a tight ship in the house ( which was actually hers) and a son who just follows around what the crazy woman says. In her own words, a 'bully'.
Of course, I had to go home and think about the poor woman all night long. All i did for her was give her a prescription and took some blood tests. I find it cruel. Me knowing all these going on in her life and not doing anything about it.

I'm sure there are worst case senario than that. But it is strange what sticks to your heart. A person can do so much to you than you can possibly imagine.

Right. Here I am blabbering and dinner is nowhere beyond ready. What i really want to say is life is precious. Wait. That doesn't fit with my story about the poorly lady. Fine.
What I want to say is, sad things happens to everybody. Sometimes you see their exterior and thinks God I wish i had his life. Stop that. You don't know their issues and problems, they might have been wishing they had your life instead. And, don't be a busybody trying to figure out and help other people's life too much..you might get hurt.